Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
Jerry Seinfeld
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
Jerry Seinfeld
Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
Jerry Seinfeld
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’
Jerry Seinfeld
You want to do good things, and once you’ve done a couple of good things in a row, you think ‘Well gee, let’s not mess this up.’ But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.
Jerry Seinfeld
We’ve fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.
Jerry Seinfeld
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.
Jerry Seinfeld
I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they’re all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals.
Jerry Seinfeld
You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual – which nothing is more actual than stand-up – it’s a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time – we miss that.
Jerry Seinfeld
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.
Jerry Seinfeld
Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.
Jerry Seinfeld
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld
I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Jerry Seinfeld
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
Jerry Seinfeld
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’
Jerry Seinfeld
When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‘Oh, it must be so hard.’ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.
Jerry Seinfeld
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
Jerry Seinfeld
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
Jerry Seinfeld
A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.
Jerry Seinfeld
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld
I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.
Jerry Seinfeld
I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
Jerry Seinfeld
You don’t even really need a place. But you feel like you’re doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.
Jerry Seinfeld
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
Jerry Seinfeld
I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.
Jerry Seinfeld
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Jerry Seinfeld
Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.
Jerry Seinfeld
I have this old ’57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I’ll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, ‘cluh-CLICK-click.’ That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that’s what I’m into.
Jerry Seinfeld
Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.
Jerry Seinfeld
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Jerry Seinfeld
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
Jerry Seinfeld
The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld
Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.
Jerry Seinfeld
I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.
Jerry Seinfeld
Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
Jerry Seinfeld
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Jerry Seinfeld
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
Jerry Seinfeld
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn’t have that kind of personality, and it’s a terrifying thing to say.
Jerry Seinfeld
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you’re into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
Jerry Seinfeld
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‘Bye!’
Jerry Seinfeld
There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.
Jerry Seinfeld
I don’t want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I’m completely confused. I’m like, ‘Didn’t you make that movie already?’ I’ve been very fortunate, and I’m well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward.
Jerry Seinfeld
I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they’re doing. People don’t look at me. They don’t even know I’m there.
Jerry Seinfeld
My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.
Jerry Seinfeld
You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
Jerry Seinfeld
I prefer the old theaters because the audience is… trapped.
Jerry Seinfeld
A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it’s kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the ’60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake.
Jerry Seinfeld
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Jerry Seinfeld
To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.
Jerry Seinfeld
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld
