Best Quotes by Joan Rivers

By | November 30, 2016

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present.

Joan Rivers

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.

Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.

Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Joan Rivers

My mother loved entertaining, and I’ve followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

Joan Rivers

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Joan Rivers

I never dwell on what happened. You can’t change it. Move forward. Don’t waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Done. Move forward.

Joan Rivers

I never dwell on what happened. You can’t change it. Move forward. Don’t waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Done. Move forward.

Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Joan Rivers

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

Joan Rivers

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.

Joan Rivers

I was not an attractive child. When I didn’t use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

Joan Rivers

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can’t change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can’t change what happened.

Joan Rivers

I’ve never thought of it consciously… I say exactly what I think, and very often it’s totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it’s not shtick. But I think I’m the one who says, ‘The emperor has no clothes.’

Joan Rivers

I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Show business is – you’re there by somebody’s fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you’re fine. I’d do anything. There’s so much I want to do.

Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

Joan Rivers

It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who.

Joan Rivers

Comedy is a very rough beat. It’s no holds barred, as it should be.

Joan Rivers

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

Joan Rivers

I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.

Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.

Joan Rivers

I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.

Joan Rivers

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he’d do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.

Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Joan Rivers

Life is very tough. If you don’t laugh, it’s tough.

Joan Rivers

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.

Joan Rivers

You’ve gotta understand – when you interview someone, it’s not an interrogation. It’s not the Nuremberg Trials.

Joan Rivers

I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

It’s feast or famine in showbiz.

Joan Rivers

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I’m gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

Joan Rivers

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Joan Rivers

I’m grateful for every day I’m still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it’s the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.

Joan Rivers

I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

Joan Rivers

Life does not measure up to performing… Performing is perfect.

Joan Rivers

I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.

Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

Joan Rivers

All my friends are dying. That’s why I always wear black.

Joan Rivers

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Joan Rivers

It’s like, God, I’m in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, ‘How young?’ They’re going to say she had a great ride.

Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Joan Rivers

Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.

Joan Rivers

Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn’t have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.

Joan Rivers

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

Joan Rivers

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.